How to Get the Most Out of Coaching
Updated August 6, 2020 to add in some new advice on how to conduct oneself in sessions.
So you've decided to work with a coach. This guide aims to help you maximize the benefits of this partnership. We’ll begin by defining what coaching is and isn't. Then, with a clear mental model of coaching in place, we'll go through the mindset and tactics that will help you get the most out of the engagement.
What is coaching?
Let's start with what coaching is not. It is not:
Consulting, where someone uses expertise and analysis to tell you what to do
Mentoring, where someone shares their experience so that you can learn from it
Therapy, where a licensed professional diagnoses mental dysfunction and treats you as a patient to restore you to normal functioning*
So what exactly is coaching? The International Coaching Federation, the world's largest coaching organization defines it as:
....partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.
I find this definition to be a bit flat and uninformative. Most people will read it and say, "Ok, but what actually happens in a coaching session?"
My take:
Coaching is a partnership where the coach helps the client build their awareness, convert it into new action, and hold them accountable toward reaching their goals.
The bolded terms are essential to understanding what takes place in coaching and how to get maximum benefit.
Awareness
Awareness is the ultimate path to creating choice. Without awareness, of self, of others, and of context, then you remain stuck. The reason you hired a coach in the first place is that you want to find a different way to tackle your challenges and that requires new understanding and perspectives. We do that through questioning, reflecting, and challenging existing narratives. This helps us see our beliefs, our assumptions, and our patterns. Then we can identify which of those are not serving us and choose a different path.
Action
Awareness without action is empty. In coaching, much of the work is in defining the next steps the client will take. As they take those steps, the client develops new skills and in some cases, they start to develop a new way of being. This is where most of the real change takes place.
Accountable
Making changes that stick is notoriously difficult because we are prone to making excuses for ourselves. Accountability changes the equation by involving a 3rd party. The mere fact that you have a partner who will check your progress regularly significantly increases the chances that you will fulfill your commitments.
Goal
Coaching is inherently goal-oriented. By defining a clear outcome at the start, coaching has focus and we can track success over time. Without an objective, coaching can quickly turn into a venting session, so defining a goal is key.
*It's worth acknowledging that a lot of modern-day therapy is less focused on healing and more on skill-building and navigating specific challenges.
Practices to deepen learning from coaching
Adopt a mindset of openness
Now that you have an idea of what takes place in coaching, let's talk about mindset. To truly benefit from coaching, approach the work from a place of openness. That means being open to:
Questioning your beliefs and assumptions
Receiving feedback that might make you uncomfortable
Getting OK with not knowing the answer
Approaching situations with curiosity
Trying new things that stretch you
The clients who see the most growth are the ones who are willing to get it wrong so they can get it right. The ones who stagnate are the ones who convince themselves that they're already right. That's the difference between being open and being closed.
Prepare before the session
When your schedule is packed, it may be tempting to jumping into a session without any preparation, but it does you a disservice because you'll end up spending the first 10 minutes trying to collect your thoughts. You'll also face the temptation of reaching for the first topic that comes to mind, even though it may not be the most productive area to work on. Spend 5-10 minutes preparing for the session by reflecting on what's taken place since the last session and what you want to accomplish in the upcoming session. A few questions to try on:
How am I right now? What am I experiencing right now?
We ask this question because it opens our curiosity and may provide signals of what's currently important.
What is not working well?
This surfaces current challenges so we can examine how we might change our approach.
What is working well? What am I doing well?
This is an opportunity for gratitude as well as a recognition of our contribution.
What observations have I made about myself since our last session?
There is always something to learn about ourselves and observation is the first step.
How satisfied am I with my current growth?
This helps us consider whether we want to change our pacing or direction.
What do I want to have achieved by the end of the next session?
Here we start to create a conscious goal we want to achieve.
Commit to making each session powerful
It's important to understand that coaching is a special type of conversation, one that you normally do not have in your everyday life. It is a space that we create together designed to help you develop in the ways that are important to you. As such, I invite you to…
Hold nothing back. Go all out in your sessions. Be completely honest and let whatever you're experiencing come out.
Choose depth. Your growth will depend on how deep you are willing to go. Deep into your behaviors, your thought patterns, and your inner reality. The deeper you go, the more profound your change will be.
Take full responsibility for your own experience in these sessions rather than depend on the coach to deliver everything to you. If you do not own your own growth, you will cut yourself short.
Reflect after the session
Just as it’s vital to prepare for a session, it’s equally important to spend time considering what you learned in the session. Oftentimes clients will jump from meeting to meeting, especially in the COVID-19 era, resulting in a loss of the insights + action steps that came from coaching. What a waste of time and money! So try to reserve at least 15 minutes after the session to reflect on what you learned about yourself as well as what new commitment you are making moving forward.
Seek feedback
Feedback is a critical ingredient for continual growth. It helps us identify strengths, uncover blind spots, and track changes over time. While formal feedback processes like 360 reviews are useful (I often run that process with clients), it's good to collect feedback on a frequent, regular basis. This not only gives us more data, but it also normalizes the process and thus makes it less scary. A simple exercise you can start right now is to identify 3 people who have an informed perspective on you and ask them:
What have I been doing well lately?
Where have I been falling short?
What do you think I could be doing differently?
The frequency of seeking feedback will vary from person to person, but in my experience, a monthly cadence can draw out useful information without being too repetitive. After you do this enough times, you should start to see some meaningful changes taking place.
Meditate
There is a good reason mindfulness has exploded in popularity over the last few years. It is proven to help us reduce stress, better manage our emotions, and improve focus, among other benefits. With enough practice, you will be able to quickly catch yourself when you're having unproductive thoughts and shift into a more conscious state. I know of very few practices that can enhance your quality of life in the way that meditation does.
Meditation boosts the work you do in coaching because it helps you boost awareness, stay open, and identify the changes you need to make to reach your goals. Of course, you need to put the time in to get these benefits. Fortunately, getting started is simple. There are several apps like Calm and Headspace to choose from. You can also follow this guide by Mindful.org to get a handle on the basics. No matter how you start, I recommend adopting meditation as soon as possible.
Commit to doing things differently
Ultimately, coaching is about changing your way of doing and being. This requires staying open, getting uncomfortable, and putting in real effort. Above all, it requires commitment. Commitment to the process, commitment to others, and commit to yourself. Ground yourself in that commitment and you will go far.