An Inquiry-Based Guide to Crucial Conversations
Intro
Out of all the books I recommend to people, one stands out among the rest: Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny, and Ron McMillan. It offers a powerful framework for handling high-stakes interpersonal communication that ultimately leads to greater trust, healthier relationships, and more positive action. Since busy leaders often struggle to find the time to read an entire book, I've summarized the key concepts from Crucial Conversations that you can start applying immediately. But rather than tell you what to do step by step, I'm presenting most of these ideas in the form of inquiries so that you can tap into your own natural wisdom for any conversation.
What is a Crucial Conversation and why do we get them wrong?
The authors define a Crucial Conversation as "A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong." Based on that definition, it's easy to see that Crucial Conversations pop up in our lives frequently and they can have major consequences on our relationships, our careers, and even our health.
Unfortunately, we usually screw them up, leading to damaged relationships, hurt feelings, and suboptimal decisions. The core problem is that these sorts of interactions usually trigger our fight-or-flight response, which causes us to handle these interactions poorly. Our behavior invites blowback from the other side and then we're caught in a self-defeating loop.
In order to achieve a healthy outcome from a difficult conversation, participants must stay in dialogue until they are able to establish mutual understanding and clear agreements. Dialogue naturally flows unless someone feels unsafe and the survival instinct kicks in, so you need tools to maintain safety and allow dialogue to continue until completion. Below are the key practices and inquiries to do that.
Check in with yourself
Before you start the conversation, you must check in with yourself to make sure you are mentally and emotionally ready to engage. Ask yourself:
How have I already negatively contributed to this situation?
What is my goal in having this conversation? Is it to prove myself right or is it to serve everyone involved?
How open am I to having my mind changed?
What is it in me that is feeling so activated by this situation?
Do I truly respect this other person? If I don't, what qualities and behaviors do I share with them that point to our common ground?
Do I share a mutual purpose with this person? If not, how can I find one?
Create safety
Safety naturally occurs when we establish mutual respect and mutual purpose.
Mutual respect
Show someone respect by being truly present and listening to them with your full attention. Ask yourself:
What judgements of mine are getting in the way of hearing this person?
What would listening with curiosity look like?
How might this person be feeling in this situation?
At what point do I typically stop listening and start justifying myself?
Where might I need to apologize?
Mutual purpose
A conversation cannot succeed if the parties don't share mutual purpose. Ask yourself:
What do I want for myself here?
What do I want for this other person? For us?
Why are these things important?
How might I be confusing this person's behavior (i.e. their strategy in action) with their purpose (i.e. their end goal)?
Write a more useful story
Our brains seek or invent stories to explain what's happening around us. Where we get into trouble is when we convince ourselves that our stories are the objective truth. The solution is to acknowledge the subjectivity of our experience, encourage the other person to add their story to the dialogue, and then work together to create a shared narrative. Ask yourself:
What are the irrefutable facts that everyone can agree on?
What is the story about this situation that I am telling myself?
How might I be wrong in that story?
What facts might I be missing?
Where am I making an assumption vs. observing a fact?
What assumptions am I making about the other person's experience or motives?
What is the story that might be playing in the other person's head?
How might we combine our separate stories into one we can both agree on?
Take responsibility
Stories are often designed to protect our ego. Some of the most clever ones are those that absolve us of responsibility in the situation. In particular, the three narratives of the Victim Story, the Villain Story, and the Helpless Story form a potent combo that removes our agency.
The Victim Story
Sounds like "None of this is my fault. All of my actions are noble yet I'm being punished for it. I deserve sympathy." It convinces us that we deserve no blame.
The Villain Story
This reinforces the Victim Story by demonizing the other person. It sounds like "This person is crazy/unreasonable/selfish. It's all their fault." Therefore, it is the other person who must change.
The Helpless Story
This tops everything off by saying, "Given this situation of good vs. evil, I have no choice in this situation. What I'm about to do is my only option"
Fill in the rest
The only way to fix a conveniently incomplete story is to fill it in. Ask yourself:
What is my role in the problem? How am I pretending not to notice it? In what ways have I encouraged behaviors or minimized my own mistakes?
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what they're doing?
What do I really want for me, for others, and for the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
Handle emotions properly
Emotions can derail conversations very easily, so you must be aware of them and manage them as the conversation evolves. Regulating your own emotions will increase your chances of staying calm and also watching out for when others become upset. Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What is this emotion trying to tell me?
Why is this story creating this emotion in me?
How is this emotion blocking me from hearing this other person?
Can I accept the emotion and let it go?
What might this other person be feeling? Why might that be?
Agree on next steps
At the end of the dialogue, a decision is often helpful to move things forward. Ask yourself:
Who might we involve in making this decision?
Who is affected by this decision?
Who has final say in the decision?
Who must agree to this decision?
Summary
If there's one thing you remember from Crucial Conversations, make it this: productive dialogue can only exist when there is safety. Watch for signals where you or others are not experiencing safety and work to restore it by taking responsibility, managing the emotions involved, and committing to creating shared meaning. Doing so will dramatically increase the chances of having a successful conversation.