Moving fully toward the Inner Critic

For many of the people I work with, the main obstacle that keeps them from living the way they want is nothing external but instead, the Critic inside their head. At first glance, the Critic has many noticeable habits. It may urge us with a lot of “you should do X” statements. It often warns of us perceived dangers. Upon closer examination, we notice that it has many strong judgments about us. Not only do those judgments make us feel miserable, but they also rob us of possibilities that might bring us energy and joy. Of course, our first instinct is to shut down the self-talk or at the very least, quiet it down. But in my experience, these are half-measures that tend to fade in effectiveness. Instead, we need to meet our Critic all the way.

To illustrate what I mean, I’ll share a recent personal experience. Two weeks ago, I completed the Art of Accomplishment’s Connection Course. In its final module, we performed an exercise where we named our Inner Critic’s judgements and directed them toward our exercise partner. For about 15 minutes, I projected some of my cruelest internal assessments at a total stranger.

My Critic likes to say all sorts of nice things like “you can’t do anything right” and “if someone is unhappy, it’s your fault.” Most of the judgments boil down to a story that my human worthiness is based on doing things well and that is always just out of reach. Even if my rational mind knows that story isn’t true, it somehow feel extremely real in my body.

So I was surprised to find that the more I directed these criticisms to my exercise partner, the less true they felt to me. In fact, they seemed increasingly ridiculous. Past a certain point, the Critic’s messages began to fade into nonsensical words, like the experience you have of saying a word repeatedly until it loses all meaning. These messages suddenly weren’t as deeply embedded in my internal experience. They loosened enough to afford me the possibility of different decisions when the Critic is activated.

This created an insight: moving toward the source of our discomfort is what leads to freedom. As many wisdom traditions tell us, it’s resistance that creates our suffering. Coming from this stance casts a new light on much of the standard advice on working with the Inner Critic. Reframe the statements! Practice self-compassion! Question the assumptions! Make no mistake, these are all wonderful practices. But they fall short when their intent is to avoid the Critic. Paradoxically, moving fully toward what’s there is the key to internal spaciousness.

There are many paths forward from this point. For example, we might approach the Critic with deep curiosity to learn more about its perspective. We can even take steps to help it “grow up” into the present moment, understanding that its strategies stem from old, unprocessed material. But the key starting point is to move all the way toward the Critic. As far as I can tell, it’s the only viable foundation for lasting freedom.